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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Broken Hearts > Disowned by my family?
Disowned by my family? posted: 01/09/11 at 8:14 AM
Momofone11  [more]
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I posted another topic in this forum but thought I may get some responses by posting a new one about this.

So as I stated in my other post I have a lot of conflicted emotions about everything that is going on (move forward with the divorce as planned or possibly try reconciling down the road). My daughter and I are currently staying with my Mom and her husband. We stayed here last year and were kicked out when I decided to go back to my husband (boyfriend at that time). My husband and I are both not sure what we want anymore and my Mom asked me if anything is going on and not to insult my intelligence asked if we're thinking of reconciling. She said if we ever did that I would ruin our family and no longer have a family (my daughter wouldn't either). I know she says this due to not liking him and because there has been a lot of back and forth over the years but it still seems so wrong to make me choose. I know I haven't had to deal with anything major with my daughter yet but I cannot even imagine cutting her out of my life, ever. I feel like I cannot even think or make a conscious decision with such a terrible "consequence" being held over my head

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posted: 01/10/11 at 8:38 AM

LDloving  [more]
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Maybe your mother is concerned for you and trying to make you choose. You said there is a lot of back and forth between you and your husband. That's not healthy for either or you OR your child. At some point you two have to make a decision once and for all, to be together or not.

Why has there been so much together/not together/together over the years? That's something you really need to look at. Is it a healthy relationship for you and your child?

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posted: 01/11/11 at 3:35 AM
realityfaery  [more]
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I do remember your situation from the previous post and its good to hear that you are sticking with the decision you made, only because some type of decision needed to be made.

I agree with LDloving, your mom's concerns are most likely coming from how unstable your whole relationship is, there needs to be a point when you say this is the final straw or try once more (but trying again could still lead to this road once again). So yes, I'm sure its very frustrating for your mother to see her daughter and granddaughter going through this cycle time and again and she doesn't want to see you hurt anymore. She's right, something has to finally make that decision once and for all.

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posted: 01/11/11 at 9:39 PM
Momofone11  [more]
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Thank you for your replies. I appreciate them.

We've been through the back and fourth quite a few times I think for a few reasons. We were very young when we started "dating" and I think we just wanted to experience more in life (not necessarily people) and so we'd "break up" and then get back together. Once our daughter was born, the back and forth happened primarily because of his apparent inability to want to grow up and BE a Dad and a husband.

I know as a Mother she wants whatís best for me, I do understand that. However, to tell someone they will ruin your family if they decided to make a decision you donít agree with is a bit harsh to say the least. Parents want whatís best for their children but I think sometimes lose sight of how difficult a situation is, not just for them but for their child. I think with her sometimes she forgets what she has gone through in her life and choices she has made and forgets im NOT her and my "situation" isnít the same as the ones that have happened in her life and I think she sees it as "well if I tell her that then she;'' just do what I want her to and I wont have to deal with it anymore."

I do value my momís opinions and the things she says but at the same time, I am a 22 year old adult and shouldnít have something like that thrown in my face. No matter what choices my daughter makes someday I could NEVER imagine telling her if she made a choice even repeatedly that i didnít agree with that I would cut her out of my life. I just couldnít imagine ever doing it.

Anyways, again thank you very much.

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posted: 01/12/11 at 6:11 AM
gwthomp  [more]
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Well Momofone11 ,

I am a little older than you, around 50. in the beginning of my marriage I was in your position.

Had a similar thing happen to me except it was with my spouse. My mothers family didnt like her.

Basically, growing up everyone was rude to me and I permitted it to happen, my wife decided she didnt like being treated that way. I dont mind myself, but I couldnt let my wife be treated that way.

My mother, brother and I have this confrontation where I let them know that I wont tolerate their treatment of my wife in no uncertain terms.

My brother made yet another one of his ultimatums that unless I apologize to him for calling him on his rude behavior then I am not part of his family any more.

At this point, I said fine, hit the road and don't let the door hit them in the rear end as they leave. This caused their jaws to drop, since it was totally out of my character and unexpected.

What fun! Mother apologized and actually started treating my wife 100% better. My brother swore at me and my meddling aunt got mad about the outcome and wouldnt speak to me.

After about 5 years went by with no communication between my brother and I, My mother asked me to reconcile with my brother. This was just before she died of cancer. I said, what need is there? if he wants to call he can, As long as he is respectful.

He calls me on my cell phone at 5am local time while I am sleeping so he can avoid actually talking to me in person. He leaves a short message rudely telling me that I better call him because my mother is dying, no apology, He just states "I can call him" so I figure same old rude behavior, it hasnt changed. I will just ignore him. I started travelling the 1000+ miles to go see my mother at my brothers house..

On my mothers last day(she is staying at my brothers house at this point), I show up with my minister, we have a good short visit with my mother. Then I leave with no squabbling, fighting, or rudeness for once (The minister is there so he can't act up without looking stupid).

My brother and aunt have this funeral where they dont invite me.

So I get an email later about him not liking me bringing my minister along along with not liking the shortness of my visit, in other words I kept control of the situation and didnt let him start his rude behavior.

So even though Im wasn't invited to my mothers own funeral, I still send him a christmas card every year. It really hacks him but I send it anyway because it is the right thing to do.

But you know what? I knew after all of this stuff ended I did the right thing because I am now a lot less stressed about it and with with life in general.

And I get along well with my spouse.

My point here is that eventually you have to decide to live your own life. I would respect my parents advice, but if they make ultimatums like I am hearing above then eventually you will need to tell them respectfully that you appreciate their advice, but if you don't like my choices then get lost!

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posted: 01/12/11 at 6:26 AM

Agirlforme  [more]
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quote:
She said if we ever did that I would ruin our family and no longer have a family (my daughter wouldn't either).


Now there is one bet I would be interested to call if I were in this situation. I think it's one big threat and it's a shame that she is putting you in such a difficult position.

I think you need to make the right choice for yourself and your happiness. even if it's the wrong decision in the end, you're an adult and have a right to choose what you think will make you happy. If you're mom wants to get ridiculous about it...then let her be the one consumed by bitterness. You don't have to play that game.

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posted: 01/12/11 at 10:12 AM
Momofone11  [more]
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Thank you everyone for your responses.

This is very difficult and sad. My situation is already hard enough with the separati
on and this just adds to it. The worst part is I don't think its a threat. It scares me to think about the possibility of no longer having my Mom in my life IF I were to decide to try again with my husband someday. No one could replace my Mom but its even harder because my Dad isn't around (he's deceased) so she is the only parent in my life.

I feel like regardless of where she is coming from and what her intentions
are in saying that, it seems so heartless to me as a mother.

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posted: 01/13/11 at 5:25 AM
realityfaery  [more]
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And it may well have been heartless, but not everyone is blessed to get out their frustrations the right way and they do blow up and say outrageous things. It seems you and your mother are close? I know my mother can say some pretty tough stuff sometimes, but she doesn't mean it, so with your mother all the emotions she has building up and seeing you hurt once again, she may be grasping at threats to try to prevent you from making a decision she sees as wrong.

You are the adult and capable of making your choices you believe are right for you. Just look at your mother's statements through the eyes of another mother. Maybe you won't word it the way she did, but you would try to keep your daughter from future pain just the same, no mater how old she is. Any mother will tell you that, you never want to stop protecting your children, regardless of their age. It will turn out all right, just keep your head up sweetie, you're doing fantastic!

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