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Lovingyou.com > Long Distance Support > Online Romance > How to deal with a man that shuts down?
How to deal with a man that shuts down? posted: 04/08/10 at 9:14 PM

Gail65  [more]
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Hello everyone,

I need you input on this situation.

When faced with a difficulty or a problem he shuts down. I get no news, no text, no email, no call.

Last time it happened I told him how worried I was and I wanted to be a support to him through his difficultiesÖhis reply was: <I donít like to unload my problems on others>. I didnít argue further and let it go.

Two days ago his car was stolen and itís a problem, he needs it for work and he had work equipment in it. That morning he gave me a quick call to tell me about the situation and that he would keep me updated, since then I have not heard from him. If I contact him I will get a 2 word answer, nothing more.

Iím driving myself insane waiting online in case he shows up.

Should I shut it all down and let him contact me?

If I donít contact him isnít going to look like I donít care?

I want to contact him badly but when I get a 2 word answer it frustrates me and I prefer avoiding being frustrated.

Thanks,

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posted: 04/08/10 at 10:31 PM

pink.fairy89  [more]
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I understand exactly where you're coming from.

If you're trying to contact him and not having much luck (ie. the 2 word answers), then I'd definitely suggest backing off in contacting him. Let him come to you. Send him one last message telling him that you really hope things are ok, and that you're there when/if he wants to talk. Or something like that. That way you don't have to text constantly but he knows you care, and that you're there/happy to talk. Just, to me, I'd take short answers as me interrupting him when he's busy or wanting alone time; and I'd feel very annoying. The last thing I'd want to do is add to his stress, which is why I think one text letting him know you're there is sufficient.

Hope he gets back to you soon, and things are back to normal . I know how difficult situations such as this are.

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posted: 04/09/10 at 12:11 AM

~ShanT~  [more]
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My hubby is the same, he likes to sort threw his issues alone then we discuss it later if it needs to be discussed, I like you cannot solve anyone's life's problems only offer a lending ear, but sometimes it isn't needed. Give him the space when he's sorted things will go back to normal.

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posted: 04/09/10 at 12:32 AM

Rhiavaan  [more]
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I had this same problem. I gave him room and when he worked through what bothered him, he talked it out with me. Be patient my dear *hugs* it is hard and we worry for them but there is nothing to do but be there when they need us.

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The sun wakes the soul to love again...

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Sean and Tracy 04-12-2010

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posted: 04/09/10 at 8:55 AM

Gail65  [more]
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He showed up this afternoon back to his happy self. He was surprised to find me upset by his 2 day absence, he minimized it and even thought my reaction was cute.

Not sure what to make of it.

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posted: 04/09/10 at 9:06 AM

Kiki'sGirl  [more]
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I think some people need the space and that is okay , what is not okay though that if he disappeared for two days with no word , however, it seems like he was sending you texts of two words letting you know at least that he is still alive. Even though I wouldn't agree with his reaction, because you both need to share and talk about problems. Not hide from each other and cut contacts completely until it goes away somehow. What happens if you were both living under one roof? He will leave for two days without a word?

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posted: 04/09/10 at 9:15 AM

Gail65  [more]
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quote:
Originally posted by Kiki'sGirl
What happens if you were both living under one roof? He will leave for two days without a word?


I ask myself the same question. How would this translate in a real life setting. It's a subject we will have to talk about.

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posted: 04/30/10 at 7:35 PM
Sugar Cookie  [more]
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I am actually the one in our relationship that is more like that. Sometimes when I first experience an intense emotional situation, I need time to sort through what I am actually feeling and calm down a bit. That way I don't say the wrong thing or blow up at my husband.

I would suggest that you give him his space, but tell him that while you understand he needs space, you would like to talk to him about it when he's worked through it a little. Tell him that talking about feelings are important to you and while you are willing to do it on his time table, he needs to talk to you about it as soon as he is ready. Also tell him that while he is sorting through an issue, you still want to talk to him, but that you can keep the conversation light. That would work for me.

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posted: 05/01/10 at 1:17 AM

Gail65  [more]
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I don't know if you read my other thread but him and I didn't have a good week last week but we talked things through at the beginning of the week and we now feel closer then ever.

That being said, eventually something had to happened.

This morning we had a phone conversation. He told me about a problem that had arised, something quite big. At lunch I sent an IM asking if he had made progress and he said he was still on the phone trying to fix it.....and ended with his favorite sentence : We'll talk later honey.

I know he's completely absorbed by this so I will leave him alone. It used to really bug me but this time I won't let it. I will leave him alone figuring out his stuff. When he gets back to me his mind will be 100% with me and that's better then just having 25% of him cause he's lost in his thoughts.

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posted: 05/01/10 at 8:48 AM
Margery  [more]
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You could take it as a sign that he is still tryingto present himself for you and doesn't yet feel able to relax with you. He may just feel he does not measure up to you or you won't like him when he is in his stresed state where all he wants to do is scream swearwords, drink and throw things around or punch things.

When you ar etalkign again you could try havign a general converstaion about how people deal with stress and what ways he thinks ar ebest and what ways he and you both do it.

Something feels wrong to me about him not talking to you when there is a problem. I would, perhaps totally without basis, be feeling uneasy abotu it, and even perhaps untrusting.

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