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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Ask A Male > Why would he want me to move in?
Why would he want me to move in? Question posted: 10/20/09 at 6:45 AM

chevybaby82  [more]
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Could use some male opinions on this....
My boyfriend is 34, I am 27 almost 28.. We have been dating 6 months... We spend a lot of time together, only live 5-10 min apart (I currently live at home with the rents) and my bf has his own house. Our relationship has been progressing very nicely over the last few months, I sleep over at least 3-4 nights already as it is. We have had no major problems, a few arguments that we resolved quickly.. and actually made us feel closer.
I was previously engaged/lived with my ex-fiance of 2 years, we got engaged 5 months in, living together at 2-3 months in.. Moved way too fast... My ex turned out to be VERY controlling, jealous, emotionally abusive and had a horrible temper.. Needless to say after 2 years I finally left for good and he physically abused me upon my exit shoving me to the ground violently.

This whole experience has made me very cautious and scared to ever live with another boyfriend.
My boyfriend also has been engaged/lived with an ex about 6 years ago.. they were together about 8 months when he proposed to her and then she moved into his house.. Once they lived together within 2 months he saw they were not compatible, apparently she stopped working much, didn't do much around the house, was jealous, etc. he asked for the ring back within 2 months and a few months later things did not improve and they broke up after being together just over a year. He said it also ended badly and she attacked him not accepting the break-up to which he called the cops and restrained her to calm her down... She tried to press charges on him and I know his breakup ended in a very messy legal battle to which he paid 10K in court costs.. She tried to take half of his house and totally screw him over.. He says I can read all the court transcripts if I want, as there were no charges pressed and he did not lose any part of his house to her.. Interestingly though, my boyfriend was/is a cop himself... apparently the police were horrible to him as if expected that the male would be the one to blame. His ex was a strong woman herself, 5'10 170lbs, personal trainer into heavy weight lifting, so her being the one to physically attack him does not seem to be unlikely as he told me.

As I mentioned this was over 6 years ago and he has not lived with a female since. He has had 2 other long-terms in those years.

My boyfriend wants me to move into his house... He knows I don't make a tonne of money so he has said I can pay off my debts before I contribute to anything at his house.. He just tells me that he loves me and is so sure of a future with me. He even makes references to being engaged, being married, etc. He even said he is willing and happy to let me have a dog once I move in (even though he is allergic).

Everything is amazing between us and he has not put any pressure on me at all... I just find it weird (but good) that he seems SO sure of living with me/having a future when he also has been through so much in his past... Especially being a man with a huge asset at stake such as his house.

What benefit does he really have to wanting me to move in? It's not financial, as he said I don't need to contribute right away... It's not proximity, we only live 10min apart as it is.... It's not likely sex, as we see eachother basically everyday and have sex alot...

All I have left is control? keeping an eye on me? trying to lock me down before the real person comes out?

Or, on a positive note.. he could just absolutely love me to death and be that sure of wanting me in his life...

As a male, what do you think? Any red flags here?

Last edited by chevybaby82 on 10/20/09 at 6:59 AM

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posted: 10/20/09 at 7:04 AM

chevybaby82  [more]
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I also wanted to add that the two long-terms he had after this ex-fiance/bad experience were about 1.5 years long each, to which both of his ex girlfriends wanted to move in with him but he declined. So I don't see any patterns here. My abusive ex, was a repeat offender having ex-girlfriends move in very very early

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posted: 10/20/09 at 7:16 AM
Haytch  [more]
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I wish i could offer more in terms of help to the situation but since i have really no experience i can only offer you maybe a different point of view on this...

He may feel he's found something with you that he doesn't want to let go, he's 34 and whilst this is still pretty young, he may want to get settled. I think that living with someone is one of the easiest ways to find out more about that person, their habits and their interests etc. It sounds like he's in a rush to find Ms. right!

If your wondering if its too early to move in then it most probably is, you could always suggest that you put the idea on hold for a little longer and explain that you dont want to rush into things, i'm sure he'll understand.

I hope things work out... and i hope maybe i've helped you with a bit of a Male's mind :P

Good Luck!

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posted: 10/20/09 at 7:25 AM

chevybaby82  [more]
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Thanks for the response.. In a way I think he could be in a rush to have "Ms Right" as well, he has told me he looks forward to building a life with the right person... He did not talk this way early on, but I have noticed after 4-5months he has been increasingly talking about future with me. He makes references to wanting to build a life with me and says that he has never been so sure of this before in his life. He even said that his past mistake 6 years ago, he feels 20x stronger about a future with me than he ever did with that person. He makes a great deal of references of just "knowing" I'm the right person.
He also had a few other long terms after the bad experience and none of them he lived with, or even gave a key to his house.

I don't want to be negative, I just had a really bad experience.... My ex-fiance wanted me to live with him and we got engaged and he turned out to be a total nightmare.. It was the worst experience of my life and did a lot of emotional damage on me. Even physical damage as my adrenal glands (stress related) were damaged and I am still repairing them with medication today.

He does understand my past and being cautious and just tells me that whenever I am ready to move in, and that he is not pressuring me. He just talks about it ALOT.. so it keeps coming up.
I just love him and want to move in, but I'm too scared.

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posted: 10/20/09 at 7:42 AM
Haytch  [more]
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He sounds like he has good intentions and sounds like all he wants is you! Good going :P Have you chatted to him about how you feel about moving in together, that your scared about how things may turn out? Maybe more importantly, can you see yourself and him together far into the future? If you can, then maybe this step is in the right direction!

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posted: 10/20/09 at 7:50 AM

chevybaby82  [more]
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He knows I'm scared to move into his house because it is a similar situation for me last time.. I moved in with my ex into HIS house.. he had all the control, well tried.. and it was just a horrible situation that started off great and escalated more and more. People are never crazy at the beginning, they hide it and when they think you're hooked that's when the real person comes out.
I guess the only way I will know is time... just keep doing what we're doing and don't move in until I feel 100% ready. My bf is being supportive he just says that it's up to me when I am ready.
He doesn't seem as jealous or controlling like my last one, my bf seems to trust me a great deal... Only slight issue I see is that I've seen my boyfriend act a little crazy getting mad when his roommate leaves a mess in the kitchen, for example eats all the peanut butter and my bf got angry he put it back in the fridge empty... so he threw the peanut butter on the ground in anger... seems silly, but with the idiot I used to live with, I'm just watching for rage issues very very carefully..

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posted: 10/20/09 at 8:00 AM
Haytch  [more]
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Thats all you can do really... just be cautious and ready! I know so many people that get annoyed by little things like that with their friends so i wouldnt let that alert you too much! Time is the only thing that will surely tell you how it'll work out!

The only advice i could really give you is not to settle for second best! If your not 100% then dont go! It sounds like your very intelligent anyhow, i'm sure it'll go well

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posted: 10/21/09 at 12:12 AM

Azerman  [more]
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I think I likely that he just likes being with you. Why do people want to get married and live together? I would guess it is often for the same reasons.

But if your goal is a happy marriage then statistically those that live together first don't fare as well as those that don't.

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