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Lovingyou.com > Family Matters > Marriage > Husband had emotional affair with my sister-in-law...
Husband had emotional affair with my sister-in-law... Unhappy posted: 03/18/06 at 12:37 AM
Ready2Live  [more]
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I have just been able to get my husband to admit he has been having an emotional affair with my sister-in-law (which I have known and been questioning him for 6-months). To make a long story short, my husband went to play poker with my brother and sister-in-law, and came home and said my sister-in-law got drunk and was "all over him". After confronting my brother and sister-in-law together, I believed that my husband was lying, which he admitted. However, my husband also said that my sister-in-law was flirting with him that night--he just stretched the truth. During this confrontation with my brother and sister-in-law, I did cover all bases and make it known what my guidelines were for any woman concerning my husband, so it was very clear to both of them.

I had mostly been holding my husband solely accountable for this, due to his actions. I also had been trying very hard to not get upset with my sister-in-law or hold this against her, as I didn't see it as her fault. I even invited them back to my home to visit after this lie. My husband and I went to their house 1-2 months after this lie, and I saw my sister-in-law touching my husband's knee (right in front of me), laughing at a joke he made. This greatly upset me, as I had already made it clear during my confrontation, what my guidelines were regarding my husband. Once, again, I overlooked this behavior but kept it in the back of my mind.

At Christmas-time, my brother and sister-in-law (or should I say my sister-in-law because my brother doesn't shop) bought my husband and I gifts, even though I specifically requested to my sister-in-law that we only buy for each other's kids. The gifts ended up being a flannel nightgown for me (which I took as a slam to my sex life), and a pair of jammie pants for my husband (which I really found offensive because it inferred that she was thinking about my husband while he was in bed). I was very upset by this, as this told me maybe my husband was right and she was somewhat involved in this too. I have also just read that red flags should go up if your husband receives any gift from a woman (other than his family), beyond a tie or handerchief. Now, I feel as if I have some proof that I have not been overreacting on my sister-in-law being involved emotionally with my husband.

My sister-in-law has been very careful (and what I term as secretly manipulative), regarding this whole situation. About 2-weeks after Christmas, suddenly my sister-in-law wants to have lunch with me (of course, my guard is up when I finally decide to go out of curiosity). I saw very clearly how she was trying to get information on my marriage out of me (casually), which I didn't give her.

After talking extensively with my husband about this, he swears nothing physical happened. In January, he did talk to my brother and told him "there could be no more one-on-one contact between him and my sister-in-law because it was causing too many problems with our marriage". I know my brother thought this was due to me overreacting and no fault of my husband's. (My brother has a huge ego and thinks my sister-in-law would never have an affair on him). I have also not talked to my brother about any of my husband's admittance.

I was just wondering if anyone has had a similar situation or could offer some words of advice on how to deal with this mess.

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posted: 03/18/06 at 12:58 AM

HeyLady  [more]
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I'm curious as to- whats does your brother say about all of this? Have you and your brother had a one on one discussion ?Perhaps the sis n law is flirtacious by nauture and doesn't see the harm in it- indeed there truly is harm in it.

You've spoken to your husband...maybe brother needs to talk to his other half. I'm not saying its all on her, as your hubby is partially to blame as well. I'm just saying if your all on the same page as to whats ok and whats not ok- there may be a way to salvage the four of you getting along in the future- without anyone red flagging. You've mentioned you've set guidelines- Very good idea and I commend you for dealing with the issues. I'm just thinking perhaps the sis n law needs her hubby to refreshen her mind on behavior around men in general and what he expects and whats ok for them as well. I know- the advice isn't that great what I've given...but perhaps it will draw out some additional detail someone else will pick up on that may help you.

Best of luck,
~Amie

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~~August 2002~~

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posted: 03/18/06 at 1:09 AM

divarose  [more]
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My intial reaction is that you are over reacting, based on what you have told us.

I personally would think nothing wrong in buying 'matching' gifts for a married couple, such as everyday nightwear for them both.
I also think its kind of sad if you can not meet for a lunch with our sister in law without assuming she has an ulterior motive behind it.

If your brother was present on the occasion with your husband, and he felt no cause for concern, then maybe the situation has been blown out of proportion.
If I am totally honest, my inital reaction to this post was 'paranoia or what'

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posted: 03/18/06 at 1:25 AM
Ready2Live  [more]
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Thanks for replying! My brother only knows about the original lie my husband told that "my sister-in-law was all over him". Since my brother was present at that poker game, he basically wanted me to give my husband a chance and forgive him. I think my brother thought it was a harmless lie and my husband just did it to get attention from me. My sister-in-law is a very touchy-feely personable lady (and also very superficial). I know this and definitely took it into consideration when trying not to blame her. I cannot get through the fact that she bought something so personal for my husband for Christmas, however. From what I have read, that is a definite no-no. I plan on talking to my brother soon--I've just been waiting to gather more data before I did so. I don't know if there will ever be a way to salvage the four of us getting along in the future, as there is another element I didn't type here. My husband has just been diagnosed as Bipolar, and one of his main symptoms is hypersexuality. I remember my brother also saying year ago, his wife (my sister-in-law) is also Bipolar. (My sister-in-law's first marriage also broke up because of her and her best friend swapping husbands, so I am guessing my she has hypersexuality issues, too.) However, my husband is now on medicine and my sister-in-law refuses to take any. So, to add insult to injury... I don't think this is possible. I do want to keep a relationship with my brother though--this is not his fault. I am just afraid his ego will get in the way and he will not believe me, again.

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posted: 03/18/06 at 1:35 AM
Ready2Live  [more]
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LemonPledge:
I did not get her and my brother involved--my husband did.

So, you think I ought to "leave my brother and sister-in-law out of my marital problems because me and my husband have the problem, not them". I'm curious to know if or how your viewpoint would change if I told you my sister-in-law has been spotted out by my husband's place of work at lunchtime? How would you feel if you knew my husband called my brother specifically to cut-off all contact with my sister-in-law because "he knew the next step was going to be physical"--my HUSBAND'S quotes, not mine? Has your viewpoint changed?

Maybe you need to read my further comments to HeyLady, and put yourself in my shoes. Maybe you ought to read up on the criteria for an emotional affair.

Maybe you need to stop being so judgemental and answering people's cry for help, if you can't offer constructive critisim and be open-minded.

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posted: 03/18/06 at 1:39 AM

SassyNYLady  [more]
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You say that you have "read that giving such personal gifts" is a no-no. Anything above a handkerchief is bad? Where did you read this?

The reason I ask this is because I have never heard of such a thing, and I am curious.

And....about the "hypersexuality" thing. You "diagnosed" her with it because she was swinging with her last husband? What is agreed upon between two people in a marriage is *their* business, and certainly doesn't indicate that there's some sort of psychological problem, even if *you* don't agree with the decision.

From everything that you have said, IMO you are overreacting with this.

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No matter how this all turns out...know that there is one man who loves you unconditionally darling.....unconditionally. ~LCM

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posted: 03/18/06 at 1:46 AM
Ready2Live  [more]
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http://www.sideroad.com/Marriage/sign_of_infidelity.html

the link on inappropriate gifts in relation to affairs.

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posted: 03/18/06 at 1:56 AM

SassyNYLady  [more]
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Okay....the silk boxers I would understand. (As I would understand sexy lingerie for women) But, PJ bottoms? Perhaps you are taking this a bit too literally?

So, for whatever reason, your husband was an ass by embellishing what happened initially to make you feel bad. Now, he, you and your bro and SIL are paying the price. I understand your position, basically of mistrust (which *he* caused). However, are these really "red flags" when taken as a whole?

If you honestly believe that this is a true issue, then the only way to solve it is simply not to see them anymore. Yeah, it sucks, since your brother is family and all...but if this is going to cause a perpetual rift in your marriage, you need to cut it out of your life permanently.

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No matter how this all turns out...know that there is one man who loves you unconditionally darling.....unconditionally. ~LCM

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posted: 03/18/06 at 2:04 AM
Ready2Live  [more]
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Maybe I'm wrong, but I do consider PJ bottoms personal, especially in light of the lie that told by my husband 3-months prior. Maybe I am expecting my SIL act like I would had that had happened to me--I know I would be going out of my way to make sure nobody thought anything had ever happened, even if I wasn't the one who told the lie. I would do this out of respect for my family. I think under normal circumstances, the PJ bottoms wouldn't be such an issue but in light of my blatant honesty on my guidelines with regard to other women and my husband, I don't think so.

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posted: 03/18/06 at 2:05 AM
babyblueyes1  [more]
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urgghhhh I posted all this and it didn't get thru - let me try again.

I basically agree with the others that this is blown out of proportion but it concerns you so to you it is valid and I will answer on that basis.

Most of these comments and 'mistrusts' come from the initial lie your husband told, which you reacted to.

Most everything else that is being said, you are taking at face value once again on the basis of what your husband is telling you.

have you ever spoken to your brother one on one (and I mean just the 2 of you).

Fact is, who saw your SIL outside your husbands work and even if she was there, how sure are you she wouldn't need to be in the area for anything else?

Could it be that your husband is getting a kick out of watching you react to the situation, possibly building his sense of self importance by telling you things that he knows you will react to?

How much proof do you have besides your husband word (which we've already established isn't worth much)

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