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Lovingyou.com > Love Advice & Tips > Ask A Male > Men who don't want to be intimate with you
Men who don't want to be intimate with you posted: 08/23/05 at 1:21 AM
chloee  [more]
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The man who I have been dating, it's a long distance relationship so we see each other every three weeks or so for at least five days, has no desire to be intimate with me lately. He says he loves me, wants to be with me, etc. but when it comes to sex now, he just avoids me. He's very affectionate, holds my hand, kisses me, cuddels me, etc. It isn't like he is totally cold which is why I am confused. And we have had great sex, in the beginning. Now it has all but stopped, the last two times I have seen him.

After just spending a the last week with him, and only having sex once, which basically consisted of him having an orgasm and then getting up and getting dressed, I've realized that obviously he isn't into me intimately.

He won't even talk about it on the phone (we are in a LDR like I said, so we used to at least talk about having sex when we couldn't see each other)so after a night of not getting any sleep I asked him why he doesn't want me anymore. He responded that he doesn't know why, it's just a phase he doesn't even want to masterbate lately, etc.

I'm not a stupid woman. I know that this man isn't into me. What I don't understand, is why all the hand holding and the I love you's and the cuddling and the telling me how much he likes spending time with me, when he can't even bring himself to have sex with me?

I'm not ugly. I'm not fat. I'm not a horrible "lay". I am outspoken in bed and like to do most everything, but in no way have I ever intimidated him.

So I guess my question is, can a man really want you, can he be with you... if he doesn't really "desire" you.

I call that friendship, not a relationship. He tells me I am wrong, that he does want me, but guys, come on, if you want someone, you want to be intimate with them.

I don't understand why he says he wants me, when he doesn't act like he does.

And honestly, he's made me feel ugly, and I hate that.

Thanks for your responsed ahead of time, and please spare me the you must be a dead lay lines, becaue I'm not.

Last edited by chloee on 08/23/05 at 1:40 AM

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posted: 08/23/05 at 1:29 AM
Tracy  [more]
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Maybe his last female told him he had a small willy....or maybe he's still into her even though they have broken up? LDR means he has problems connecting with women who are close (who live nearby)...and thats never a good omen.

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posted: 08/23/05 at 1:33 AM
chloee  [more]
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He doesn't have a small willy and his exwife cheated on him :|

We met on a message board, of all places, last April... that is why it is an LDR. And believe me, he has plenty of women after him, constantly.

Maybe that is the problem, maybe since he's the 10, he wants the 10. Maybe he likes my personality, but just wants a better body? This is, really great on one's sense of self image, really it is.

Nothing like a man who loves who "you" are, says he would marry you, but wont' have sex with you.

God, I'm so stupid aren't I?

No more plane trips for Chloee, that is for certain.
:|

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posted: 08/23/05 at 1:36 AM

lynx6  [more]
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It's nothing to do with you at all chloee... If he cuddles you and loves to be with you, etc, etc - and all he's having problems with is sex - something is wrong with him.

He's either insecure, nervous, or possibly even depressed. All those things make men not want to have sexual relations.

Talk to him, find out what's wrong. And trust me - it's not you. If it was - he wouldn't go to the trouble of having an LDR.

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Sometimes disliked, but never a bore...

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posted: 08/23/05 at 1:45 AM
chloee  [more]
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Maybe the LDR is the problem keeping him from dumping me straight out, so he just cuts off the intimacy because he doesn't really want it but can't bring himself to launch me.

We have had to go through so much to see each other, 1500 miles, phone bills, airplanes, etc. and he now feels guilty about not wanting me anymore when he convinced me it was worth it (and himself) and now he can't bring himself to let me go.

He loves who I am on the inside, and doesn't like the outside, and thinks he will get over it some day so he plugs along.

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posted: 08/23/05 at 1:52 AM

TheAnalyzer  [more]
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Could be a number of things for why he doesn't want to be intimate. Hes afraid, insecure, sex isn't a prioty to him, hes getting some from somewhere else or hes gay. I'm not saying that hes gay to be a smarta$$ either, I'm saying its possible. Some people will use that as a cover up. Meaning he may like/love you enjoy kissing/cuddling etc, but not sex because hes not into women. Or maybe hes bi sexual and is more into men. Like I said it could be a number of things.

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If you anit gonna sh*t, get off the pot."

"Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids."

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posted: 08/23/05 at 2:19 AM

asianfox  [more]
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I had that same problem with one of my ex boyfriends. He didnt seem to be into me sexually and the few times we did have sex, he just laid there and did nothing,Yet he always told me how hot I was, he was affectionate and cuddly.But when it came to sex, he wasent interested and it pissed me off.Why would you date someone who doesnt desire you?

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` I love Adam more than the sun, the moon and the stars and need him more than the air I breathe.`

`The One for You Is out there,never give up.`

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posted: 08/23/05 at 2:55 AM
chloee  [more]
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And, why would you date someone you didn't desire?? And then why claim you do desire them, when you won't even touch them??

Maybe they just like the idea of being with someone. I don't know.

So, what happened, Asian? To you guys, I mean. Obviously you broke up, but did he ever say why he was like that???

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posted: 08/23/05 at 4:20 AM

Alone  [more]
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You know it could be that sex just isn't satisfying for him. He could feel "dirty" or he may be one of those people who get by with having sex only a few times instead of having that crazy sex drive. In which case you need to decide if the sex is enough or not enough.

A lady at work often tells me about relationships and uses her marriage as an example saying, "Phil, God has a strange sense of humor he often pairs us up where one person has a huge sex drive and the other one no sex drive."

You really want it to work out you will keep working at it.

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"Itís not what you always say that countsÖbut what you donít say."

"Sometimes to move forward you gotta take a step back."

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posted: 08/23/05 at 4:20 AM
ynot  [more]
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As you can see, you aren't the only one who has encountered this. Just be thankful you found out now. A woman I know encountered it after marriage and 3 kids. Her husband wanted a wife, wanted kids, but hated sex. So, he got her pregnant 3 times, THEN told her he was done forever. As you can imagine, she's had a rough ride since. My advice would be to just accept that he's not the man for you, and have a friendly breakup. You need to have your needs met, and he's clearly not the man to do it. Move on and spend your time with a man who's interested in meeting your needs, not in a long, painful cycle of armchair psychoanalysis with this guy.

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The simple things you see are all complicated - I look pretty young, but I'm just back-dated, yeah Pete Townshend, Substitute
ynot_indeed@yahoo.com

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